Self-Love or How to Tame the Big Mean Hate Monster in your head

Field Sketch of Hate Monster discovered in the Wilds of the Psyche

So life flows along with its expected series of peak and valleys or as a vintage film poster on the wall of a Venice beach diner proclaimed "Dizzying Highs and Terrifying Lows." Some times there are actual, real-life events that will dictate whether I am on top of the world or stuck in a swamp or hiding out in a dreary cave and at least that feels logical and immediately comprehensible. But...... more often than not, all of the external facts of my life will undergo no real changes and I find that one day, I feel excited and optimistic....  so many possibilites and so many ideas!!!! Then, the very next day, I feel nothing is woking out. I am failing at everything I am attempting and generally walking in angst-ridden circles back to my same old faults and deficiencies.

Through vigilant observation of my internal world this past week, I have been reminded that this drastic mood shift does not come out of nowhere. It can be directly traced to a series of self-negating beliefs that my favorite little Hate Monster likes to use as fodder for very predictable internal diatribes. The Hate Monster can pop up when you are over-tired, over-worked, hungry, or sick. So if you notice he is getting really loud in your thought stream and shouting over everything else, first check to make sure you have your basics covered. Have you slept enough? If not, take a nap or go to bed early. Are you starving yourself? Eat something healthy and nourishing. Have you been living an all-work-and-no-play existence? Time to play.

Many adults refer to the Hate Monster as the Inner Critic but I think that makes him sound too intellectual and apt to write a thoughtful review of me in the some literary journal. When in reality, he seems more like an cranky or hurt child who is not having his needs met in some way and is acting out. It honestly can be as simple as resting and slowing down but sometimes, of course, it is not.

The Hate Monster can also be fueled by long-standing painful and often un-true beliefs that resurface again and again throughout your life. The one that came up for me this week is the belief that I am too different to be embraced by the society that I live in... that there is something essential in me that will always be foreign... that alienation is a pre-condition of my life. This is how it showed up for me. I started taking a class this week in pattern and surface design where it is essential to find and express your own aesthetic style. At first, I was having so much fun drawing and exploring my imagination and seeing the world around me in a new way. I have my own style of drawing that comes natural to me and I was relishing the freedom of pure self-expression. Then, the Hate Monster pulled out the good ole, oh-so-familiar, alienation manifesto and began with the cutting words, "You have your own style but no one will be able to relate to it. If you put that out in the world, you will not be successful because what you have to offer does not resonate with people. You aren't like everyone else so you should probably hide out and do the safe thing and present a style you know people already like and accept." While I don't intend to follow this "sage" advice, it did thoroughly take the joy out of my creative process for the day. It doesn't take a self-inquiry microscope to see the obvious thread of self-criticism and self-negation in these thoughts.

So what to do if you have wandered down this crooked path deep into the forest of self-hate? As always, there is the temptation to simply add a meta-level to the Hate Monster a.k.a "How could I let myself get so out of control on this negative downward spiral? After all the meditation and yoga I have done, shouldn't I better at this? Why can't I maintain a positive outlook? What is wrong with me?" So keep an eye out for this sneaky addition to the Hate Monster's powers.

At this point, it is important to remember the Hate Monster's resemblance to a hurt child. This part of ourselves doesn't need further reprimands or a series of should's and should not's. It needs a warm and all-encompassing loving embrace. We need the healing balm of self-acceptance and unconditional love.

"Easier said than done," you might be thinking. However, this nourishing feeling is something that can be cultivated even from the bottom of a Terrifying Low. Think about the love you may have felt for animal or a small child or another human being that doesn't diminish when they make a mistake or feel sad or get grumpy. In those moments, you feel compassion for their struggles and love for their simple humanity or kittiness or puppiness including all of their weaknesses and strengths. I found a simple visualization/mediation that can help us begin to access this all-encompassing love and shine it on our own being. Here it is:

The Warm Embrace of Self: A Self-love Meditation

1. Take  few deep breaths, tuning in to your body and the movement of the breath.
2. Visualize the part of you that has become the Hate Monster as a child or even as a puppy or kitten. Observe the self-negating thoughts that part of you is holding. Without judgement, just witness the pain that this part of you is experiencing.
3. Inhale, repeating silently or quietly, "I embrace every part of my being." Visualizing welcoming that hurt inner child into a warm loving hug.
4. Exhale, "I let go of self-judgement." Feel the harsh critical thoughts leaving your body with the breath, being carried away on the breeze.
5. Inhale, "I embrace myself with love." Feel a warm wash of golden light filling every dark corner of your psyche.
5. Exhale, "I let go of Self-criticism."
7. Repeat steps 3-5 until a feeling of compassion and love for yourself begins to emerge in your heart. Don't worry if you are just going through the motions at first. Stick with it and keep inviting in this feeling of compassion. Oddly, it is often easier to feel compassion for others than it is for our selves. So, by giving a visual form to this hurt part of ourselves, we can often access that unconditional love for ourselves a little easier.

If you are interested in exploring this topic in more depth, I would suggest this really amazing little book called: There is Nothing Wrong with You by Cheri Huber
It is written in a light-hearted tone but expresses some deep truths. One of my favorite parts of the book is when Huber reminds us that we are not "fix-it projects." When one of our common internal struggles and habits come up for the zillionth time, it is so easy to think, "Man, I really need to work on myself." Well, this book reminds us that we don't need to fix ourselves. We need to embrace ourselves in our beautiful, complex, dizzying-highs-terrifying-lows entirety.

Please feel free to share your experiences with the Hate Monster or ask any questions you may have in the comments.

Love to all... even those shadowy, dark bits that have sharp teeth and biting words. They soften with every embrace.
Nicole

Reset Sunday: Imagine

The Creation of the  Birds, Remedios Varo

I just finished reading Imagine by Jonathan Lehrer and would highly recommend it to anyone who would like to pull aside the veil and peak at what happens in the brain during flashes of inspiration, creative problem-solving, and careful and sometimes arduous crafting. Lehrer relates the findings of various psychological studies and brain imaging to reveal insights on the workings of creativity. This book is full of valuable information for artists, inventors, scientist, and the insatiably curious. It is not the full story. There are still many questions and alternate interpretations of the data but it opens an interesting dialogue and gives you a place to begin with your own exploration of how you experience creativity internally.

For this week's Reset Sunday I thought I would make a list of some of the discoveries in Imagine that really struck me. These should be fun concepts to play with and explore in our lives over the next week and see how they impact our personal creativity.

1. Relaxing and Un-focusing the mind to create fertile ground for the Flash of Insight. If you meditate, you may be familiar with this mind set already. After you have spent some time focusing on the breath or a single point of awareness, you can start to let your consciousness spread outward becoming very receptive. You are not directing your thoughts anymore they are simply rising and falling across your consciousness as you observe. If you have been working on a project and hit a creative wall, accessing this relaxed mind can help the pieces to fall together in a new and clearer way. You can help to initiate this mind set by going on stroll, taking a shower, or laying in bed for a while after you awaken. You let you mind wander and you simply watch and stay alert to your daydreams. I remember when I was in college, I would do all the research for a paper and jot down some some hints of what I was trying to distill and express but couldn't quite grasp yet. Then, I would go and take a shower and watch as my ideas aligned themselves in surprising ways.  Warm rushing water helped my thoughts coalesce and then, I would be ready to write.
   
2. Happy moods seem to be conducive to flashes of insight and depressive or sad moods are conducive to editing, reworking, finishing and refining a project. Being alert to your emotional state can help to guide your creative work flow.
   
3. The Benefits of Blue: There were some studies that showed priming the subject with a flash of  blue led to an increased amount of creative solutions. This would be an interesting one to explore on your own. Beyond just seeing if azures and periwinkles stimulate you imagination, you can also pay attention to what type of environments make you feel the most creative.
   
4. The Benefits of Constructive Criticism: They found that constructive criticism is more helpful than a completely free and non-judgmental environment for brain storming. Especially, when problems are pointed out and ideas on how to fix them are presented together. So if you are working collaboratively don't be afraid to point out things that need improving or wholes in someones reasoning or methods (in a compassionate, gentle way of course). Or if you are working on a project alone, finding someone who can crit your project will help you to see what areas still need finessing or editing and which ones are best left alone.
   
5. The Outsider Mind: Getting distance from the your field of creativity can help you to see your project in a new and unusual light. If you are a painter, having someone look at your work who doesn't know much about visual art can help give you a different perspective and see it from the outside. You can also finish a project and put it away for a few months and come back to it and see how you respond. Last, travel can help shift your point of reference and see your work from another angle.

I would love to hear about some of your personal experiences with creativity and what you have found to be most stimulating to your imagination. Happy creating and see you next week!



        

Reset Sunday: Stop working and have fun!

This Reset Sunday post is going to be short and sweet. This is the time of year for spring cleaning, organizing, and checking off to-do lists. While these are all worthy pursuits, it is easy to get caught up in all the things we need to do to keep our lives in order and running somewhat smoothly. We tend to glorify working and "being busy." Don't tell me you don't get a little rush of self-importance every time you tell someone you have been "really busy". It's only natural to feel happy to be engaged in your work and your pursuits. But just as important, if not more important is the ability to set yourself free from your to-do's and your chores and even your big dreams for at least one day and just do something that is purely fun without a specific goal or end in mind. What taps you into the spirit of play? I challenge you, especially if this has been missing from your life lately, to clear the slate of an entire day for fun. Play hooky from work. Find a babysitter. Leave the bathroom messy, the laundry dirty. Be irresponsible just for a day. Don't be tricked into believing that you have to be productive all the time. Let go for now, for a day, and do something spontaneous and purely fun instead. Don't over-think it! Just set yourself free!

Reset Sunday: Wet Earth, Lemons, and your Sense of Smell

The smell of damp earth instantly transports me to the beloved forests of my childhood. I feel peaceful,  awake, and curious just as I did then. The smell of jasmine gives me that languid, relaxed feeling that summer is on it's way. The sun will linger longer and time will stretch out like a golden cat in the middle of an afternoon nap. The smell of lemon makes me feel fresh and alert, tuning in to the energy of the perfect morning filled with potential and renewal.

Smell is very direct and often psychologically powerful. At the end of you nasal passage, behind the nose is a cluster of neurons about the size of a postage stamp that's exposed to the air. These neurons are covered with cilia, hair-like structures that increase surface area. Molecules from everything that you can smell float into your nose, bind to the cilia, and send a message through the neuron. This is how you smell that fresh baked bread, that spring of wild rosemary, and everything else. 

This week, for Reset Sunday, I propose we tune in to our sense of smell and experiment with its affects on our mood and mind-set. 

5 Ways to Use the Sense of Smell for Self-discovery and Healing

1. Tune-in. Take some deep breaths through out the day and notice what you are smelling and how you are feeling. See if tuning into the smell changes you how you feel. Maybe it simply pulls you out of your head and into the moment. When you walk to your car in the morning, smell the air. It will put you in direct contact with your surroundings.
   
2. Smell your food before you take a bite. Enjoying the aroma of our food can help slow us down before we start eating. It can initiate a mindful attitude and tune us in to the quality of our food. Notice the feeling, memories, or sensations associated with each smell. This process will enrich your meal and it can provide insight into your food choices.
   
3. Rose Water. If you have never had a mister of rose water on hand, I suggest you pick one up and enjoy it's magical powers. :) If you wake up feeling groggy, grumpy or anxious misting yourself with rose water can instantly transport you to a lovely garden where fairies frolic and elves dance. Even if it doesn't swoop you into fantasia, rose water helps break up a negative thoughts and reminds you of the good simple things in life. Use it when you are feeling angry, sad, bored, scared, or just plain blah. You can find rose water at health food stores or online. The rose water I have on my bedside table is Heritage Products Rosewater. I love it and spray it daily.
   
4. Burning sage and/or palo santo. Both of these you light with a match and then blow out the flame, letting it smoke. You can carry it around your home, smudging your rooms with the smoke. Traditionally, the smoke is said to clear darkened or stagnant energies. I personally find that smudging with palo santo and sage combines a meditative ritual with a wonderful earthy smell that is calming and grounding.
   
5. Experiment with essential oils. You can find essential oils at natural food stores or online. I like the Young Living Essences a lot and many of the Aura Cacia essences as well. I like to carry Lavender essential oil in my purse when I go into the office. Whenever I feel stressed or disconnected, I pull it out and take a moment to smell it. Somehow, it helps me relax and keep my projects and deadlines in perspective. Offices can be devoid of nourishing scents. These sumptuous aromas can reinvigorate and bring a smile to your face even in the dreary land of plastic, metal and fluorescent lights.
   
   I suggest you choose your essential oils by actually smelling them and seeing which ones have the most noticeable effect on you. Usually, there are testers in stores. If you are still not sure which ones to get or need to buy them online, you can also use this aromatherapy chart to help you decide.
   
   My current favorites from the Young Living line are: Lavender, Peace and Calming, Theives, Lemon and Peppermint. The essential oil my boyfriend can not live with out is Wyndmere Joyful Spirit. Another favorite from my best friend's essential oil collection is Aura Cacia Pep Talk which is the amazingly sunshiny combination of orange and peppermint.

Reset Sunday: Smile!

This week, let's challenge ourselves to be more open and warm to our fellow human beings. When you are walking down the street, on that jogging trail, in the check-out line at the supermarket, pumping gas or at a friend's party, look for the opportunity to make eye contact, smile, say hello and maybe even start a conversation. This does not mean creating forced, fake or unnatural contact. It is simply about being alert to your surroundings and the people that are sharing space with you in the moment. It is about putting down your phone, getting out of your head and out of your plans and worries, and sensing the living, conscious, complex and amazing beings all around you. Be sensitive to the moment when someone might be open to connecting and give that some attention and energy. Have the courage to bridge the divide. Just a moment of warmth and an honest smile can really renew someone's feeling of belonging and self-worth. This may take you out of your comfort zone, but just experiment with it this week and see how you feel.

If you find that feelings of judgement or separation are creating resistance to this challenge, I encourage you to try doing a loving-kindness meditation to help foster deep feelings of compassion. Here is the meditation. Each line you say in your mind as you complete one full breath, inhale and exhale.

May you be well.
May you be healthy and strong.
May you be happy and safe.
May you be free from suffering and have insight into the cause of your suffering.
May you be filled with compassion.

Start by focusing this mediation on someone you love. Next, focus on yourself. Next, chose someone you are indifferent to. Then choose someone who you have difficulties with (this can be someone you know personally or a public figure). Finally, focus on all beings.

Reset Sunday: Herbal Play

Dandelion, while considered a weed by most people, has many healing properties

There are so many amazing healing plants and medicinal mushrooms out there, that it is easy to get overwhelmed and not try any of them or just stick to a few favorite standby's and not exploresomething new. This week, chose one herb or medicinal mushroom that you would like to learn more about and try. You can use you intuition to pick one or you can research according to a specific ailment or condition. If you want to try chinese herbs, I would suggest making an appointment with an acupuncturist or an herbalist to procure the perfect formula. When researching your herb, ask the following questions:

1. What are the health benefits?
2. How is it traditionally prepared (in a tea, as a powdered supplement, fresh, as a tincture)?
3. Are there any contraindications or precautions you need to take?
4. Is it a tonic herb that you take daily to support your health or is it something you take short-term to help heal an acute condition like a urinary tract infection or a cold?
5. What is the recommended dosage?
6. Where can I find the most potent organic or wild-harvested version of this plant? (Don't trust pre-made formulas from unknown or unrecommended websites/companies. Many places make lofty cure-all claims and the quality or there herbs may not be up to standard.)

After you have researched and sourced the herb, experiment with it and see if you notice any changes to your health. I have found herbal support to be crucial in preventing colds and flus, restoring my health when I start to feel sick or run-down, and in curing infections.

You may be able to find the herbs you are looking for in your local health food store but remember that not all herbal products have the same potency and hence, effectiveness. Here are some resources for finding organic/wild-harvested herbs and mushrooms online:

Mountain Rose Herbs: a great place to buy a wide variety of bulk loose leaf herbs

Ultimate Superfoods: a place to find a selection of ayurvedic herbs as well as high-quality superfoods

Banyan Botanicals: organic ayurvedic herbs

Mushroom Harvest: my source for all medicinal mushrooms such as reishi and cordyceps

The following are 3 products that I use to stop myself from getting colds and flus. They are not cheap but if I take them when I start feeling sick, I can kick the illness before it gets me. The Echinacea and Super Tonic, I take when I notice a lot of people around me seem to be catching colds or if I am really busy and may be taxing my immune system more than usual. I also take them if it would be particularly inconvenient time to get sick. If I feel the slightest signs of sickness such as a tickle in my throat or general fatigue, these are my first defense. The Cold and Flu Herbal shots, I take when I feel that I am truly getting sick or the symptoms are worsening quickly and they seem to restore my health fairly quickly. 

Echinacea plus

Super Tonic

Cold and Flu Herbal Shots

Here is a short list of some of my favorite healing plants and mushrooms:

Ginger root (tea or fresh): soothes nausea, fights colds and sore throats, aids digestion

Mint (tea): aids digestion, invigorating

Roasted Dandelion Root (tea): liver support

Reishi Mushrooms (tea, tincture, powdered): immune booster, many healing properties make this a great daily tonic

Echinacea (tincture): powerful immune booster

Garlic (fresh, tincture, juice): fights colds, immune booster, anti-oxidant rich, may prevent heart disease

Tumeric (fresh, powder): anti-inflammatory, extremely healing and can be used daily in cooking and as a supplement

Dianthus formula: chinese herbal formula for treatment of UTI's 

 If you find any herbs that you that you particularly like, please share your experiences with them in the comments. I am always excited to learn about new plants and enjoy their healing properties. Good luck on your herbal journey.

Reset Sunday: The Things That Bring Me Back

For a print of this illustration, click here

Ever since I was a child, I loved list-making. Lists would consolidate and distill my ideas, tasks, wishes, thoughts and observations into a very clear, concise, and manageable space. Everyone is a familiar with the old standard: the To-do List. While often helpful, I am going leave that diligent-worker list behind for now in favor of a light-hearted list that brims with joy, playfulness, and wonder. I call this list: "The Things that Bring Me Back" This list catalogues all the things big and small that make you feel the joy of being alive. They are the things that awaken you to the thrill of the moment; that catapult you into a state of awe and expansiveness, that warm you with love and open you heart.
   We all have days when we feel like the sunshine has been drained out and been replaced with a dull internal monotone. We feel disconnected and disinterested. We see no progress, no significant change, and our sense of meaning seems poorly fabricated, flimsy at best. This is exactly what we need to be "brought back" from. We have travelled down the gloomy path of apathy, discouragement or sadness and this list reminds of the things that serve as golden lifelines back to ourselves, restoring our energy, our sense of purpose and innate joy.
   So sit down and let your mind roam until you stumble upon these special things that bring you back. They will be unique to you so don't judge them or edit. Just be honest and true to yourself. Meditating for a half hour each day may be what you think should work but maybe it is actually just seeing a funny picture of a cat. My list took the form of a doodle but you can also just write a regular vertical list, use colorful markers, draw pictures of add photos, or just type it into your computer. Just the act of writing this list can help remind you of why life is so grand! Post your list in places you see often: over your desk, on the refrigerator, in the bathroom. Read it often, especially when you feel lost and need to find your way back.

Reset Sunday: Driving Meditation or How to be a Driving Ninja

So many of us, especially my fellow Angelenos out there, spend too much time in our cars. The result: we often experience impatience, annoyance, hatred, boredom, frustration, sleepiness, and general dysphoria while driving. Aside from changing our lifestyles to drive less which is not always easy or practical, here is a mindful practice that can change the way we experience being stuck in traffic and commuting.  And for those of you, who want to have a meditation practice but don't have think you have the time, here is a place to start.

When we think of mediation, the first thing that come to mind for many people is a monk or yogi sitting crossed legged with eyes closed, clearing their mind of all thoughts. Obviously, this is not what we are going to be attempting while driving. Instead, our eyes will be fully open and alert. We will be sitting in our seat relaxed and responsive. And, most importantly, we will be observing the thoughts, emotions and body sensations that arise without judgement. The intention of this practice is not an empty mind, although that may occur. Rather, it is the Undistracted Awareness of everything you are experiencing in the present moment.

Undistracted Awareness while driving is an obvious upgrade from our usual autopilot, spaced-out, multi-tasking mode of driving. You will be relaxed yet ready to respond to any situation whether it be getting stuck behind a slow truck on a narrow mountain road or getting cut off by a impatient SUV on the freeway. You will become a driving ninja. Here's how:

1. Begin by deepening your breathe. Let the inhale fill your entire body. Let the exhales empty completely. Feel your sitting bones and tail bone sink down into the seat. Feel the inhale rising up through the spine, lengthening the body. The heart space opens. The shoulders relax back and down and the crown the head reaches upward.
   
2. Your body is soft and responsive to the movement of the breath. The breath is waking up every cell. Your whole being is waking up. You feel your hands guiding the steering wheel. You feel the pressure of your foot on the pedal. You feel the vibration of the car and the texture of the road.
   
3. Your eyes are alert, taking in all the other cars around you, the curve of the road, the lights, the buildings or trees surrounding you. Glancing in your mirrors, you establish a clear awareness of everything that is happening around you.
   
4. Now, let your ears perk up. You can hear the motor of your car, the shifting of gears, the wind going by. Maybe you hear a car coming up behind you or passing you. Allow your ears to be awake to all sounds.
   
5. As thoughts and feelings arise, simply observe them without a judgement. There's a thought about dinner. There's a thought about work tomorrow. There's a feeling of frustration at a slow driver. Notice how these thoughts and emotions are echoing through the body. Are the shoulders tensing or the jaw gripping? Does the chest feel constricted? Simply notice these sensations and then, consciously relax the body, bringing the awareness back to all the sensations driving. Take a deep breath. What do you see right now? What do you hear? What can you feel? Pay attention to the moment right now. Wake up and slide into complete awareness.
   
6. Remember that you are not alone right now. Every car contains a human being, an entire life, an entire consciousness. Even if you are on an empty road remember there are animals hidden in the brush, grasses or trees. There may be people walking along the road or crossing the street. This is a perfect opportunity to practice compassion and a deep respect for life. Let this feeling of compassion guide the choices you make while driving. How can I show compassion right now? Maybe, it is by slowing down in a residential area, or letting a car merge in front of you or by forgiving the person who cut you off, forgiving their impatience because maybe you have had similar feelings or made mistakes of your own before. Honor your life and the lives of all those that you are sharing the road with right now.
   
7. Your thoughts may wander. Your attention may become distracted. It's ok. Just keep returning to  the present moment. Return to your breath. Return to your experience of being on the road right now, right here.
   

I will soon be posting an audio recording of this mediation as well. Happy and safe driving to all the driving ninjas out there!

Reset Sunday: Mini Declutter

photo courtesy of Julie at Jane's Apron

Pick one small area that inspires feelings of resistance, confusion, frustration, chaos or being overwhelmed. If you notice that when you go to this space, it takes ridiculously long to find what you need or better yet, you give up looking and decide it's just better to go without, you have a discovered a perfect candidate for this mini declutter practice. It might be a closet, cabinet, book shelf, bathroom counter, your computer desktop, hard drives, the food pantry, spice rack or any space ruled by the Despot of Disorder. After you are done, pay attention to how you feel when interacting with this clean and clear space. Notice the how your state of mind and energy shifts in response.

Here are 5 tips to help you declutter this small space:

1. Gift, recycle, or throw away anything you don't use or is no longer needed. For instance, ancient spices, old food, books you have already read and honestly won't read again, clothes that are ragged or rarely leave the hanger, beauty products that old or never used, etc.
   
2. Lightening-fast decision-making. Don't waste time on the internal debate of whether or not you may need something in the future. Ask youself, do I use this or can I see a realistic use for this in the near future? If the first answer is no, don't think just pass this stuff along to a better home or recycle it.
   
3. Categorize and consolidate. Look for the categories amongst your stuff and put like things together. Be creative about coming up with a system. Think about how you use your things and make a system that is responsive to this. for instance, you may think the most logical way to organize your book is by genre but think about how you read. Maybe you have a section for books you have not read, a section for books that you like to reference and a section for favorite books you like to share with friends. If you have two of something that is very similar or the same, see if you can consolidate them into one or if one of them can be let go.
   
4. Simplify. Consider a system that allows for the greatest simplicity of use and cleaning. Fewer things helps immensely. Also keeping things in open-topped boxes or on trays makes them easier to remove for cleaning and keeps similar things grouped together.
   
5. Map it. After you have organized your things into categories and made a unique, physical space for each category, jot down a little map to remind yourself of the new system. Literally, draw a quick diagram of the space and label what goes where. If you share this space with someone else, give them a copy of the map and go over it with them. This will help you to maintain the newly decluttered zone.

Reset Sunday: Reconnect

"I'll be your mirror."                                photograph: Joe Plenys ©2009

Close friends mirror elements of our being. They call forth these specific pieces of our personality and encourage them to come into full bloom for better or worse. When people come together, they create a unique alchemy that reveals and accentuates aspects of ourselves that may have been hidden, languishing, or nascent.

In high school, I had two close girl friends with whom I felt deeply connected. After we all left home at 18, we went our separate ways and had very little contact with each other. We ended up literally spread across the country in New York, Colorado, and California. With the advent of social networking, I was able to find them again and spy in on their lives as I perused photographs and profiles.

During that time, I made the uncanny discovery that all three of us had listed the same novelist as our favorite author although none of us had known about him when we were young and together.  This author's books spoke to something deep inside of me that I could never quite put a finger on. It got me to thinking about my two old friends and the seed of resonance that had brought us together and the way that seed continued to grow even after our life paths had diverged. This love for the same author was just a small signpost for the inner parallels that remained.

For this Reset Sunday, reach out and reconnect to old friend who is hovering on the edges of your consciousness. Sometimes, this is a friend you haven't seen in decades. Other times it might have only been a distracted month of absence. This person keeps popping up in your dreams or your thoughts. Or maybe you have even thought to call them but didn't get around to it or maybe they reached out to you but general busyness kept you from responding. Send an email or give a call. Don't be discouraged by phone tag or invalid addresses. Keep following through until you contact them. If you can't find them or can't talk to them for whatever reason, write them a letter and keep it somewhere special, holding out that intention of reaching them even if it seems impossible.

Reconnecting can bring many unexpected gifts - a reclaiming of a lost part of ourselves, laughter, a shining memory, an apology, compassion for our younger selves, the light of time illuminating an old misunderstanding, unexpected healing, gratitude, the pure joy of an unconditional human connection despite time or distance, reassurance that we are on the right path or a reminder to return to what is most important. Notice what gifts come to you and what light they bring into your present life.

These Velvet Underground lyrics always struck me as a poignant declaration of dear friendship. Enjoy and have a heart-warmed week.

I'll be your mirror
Reflect what you are, in case you don't know
I'll be the wind, the rain and the sunset
The light on your door to show that you're home.

Reset Sunday: Deep Sight

the curious passion flower in my yard

For much of the time, we walk through life and only see the idea of the things around us. When I open my bedroom door, I don't SEE where the paint has chipped slightly along the edge or the little residue of fingerprints or the slight variations in cream color. Mostly, I briefly and almost unnoticeably THINK door and continue on my way. Of course, if we truly saw everything thing around us all the time we would probably take an hour just to transverse the vast territory between the bedroom and the kitchen. So the mind's ability to simplify, categorize and name is definitely appreciated but probably takes the driver's seat more often than is necessary. This Reset Sunday is all about awakening the sense of sight and seeing how it activates both your sense of full present awareness and your imagination.

First, find a plant. It can be as simple as a blade of grass or as complex as a passion flower or as grand as an eucalyptus tree. It can be a potted plant or bouquet of flowers in your house or something you discover in a park or yard. If you want to make day of it and you live somewhere warm, check out a botanical garden. I think I might go to one of my favorite places in Los Angeles, Huntington Gardens. If you feel comfortable drawing or even if you feel uncomfortable but adventurous, I suggest you bring a pen or pencil and draw the plant as you are practicing seeing it. The process of drawing can really engage and awaken our sense of sight. Don't worry about the drawing being good or right. The process is the practice and you can always recycle the drawing afterward.

Sit before the plant and let your body and your face relax and soften. Deepen the breath and settle in. Allow your eyes to go on a little adventure. Start following the lines of the stem, the leaves, the petals, the buds.  This is a slow journey for the eyes. Let the small space expand into an entire universe. When you have covered every nook and cranny, start again and see what miniature miracles you missed the first time. If you are drawing, follow the the edges of the plant with you pen on the paper. Record every subtle shift in curvature and shape. Below is a brief guidebook for this journey that points out some attractions to be alert to on your visual journey.

1. Texture: You don't have to touch something to get a feeling for texture. Your eyes can feel it as well. Does it appear soft, prickly, smooth, velvety, mooshy, powdery, pointy, slimey, cool, hard, feathery, or something that may not have a word but only a feeling? Explore the textures as they change with your eyes and record them with your pen.
   
2. Color: Observe the subtle shifts in color. You can name them if it helps (oh, that green is edging on blue here and yellow at the tip of the leaves) but you can also just enjoy the sensual experience of the plant's color palette unfolding before you.
   
3. Light and shadow: Where is the plant obscured in darkness and where is the light so bright it might be dissolving the edges of the leaves or petals? Where is light creating transluscene and where is the absence of it creating a deep opaqueness?
   
4. Weight: Do the leaves appear light and airy or ponderous? Is the weight of a giant bloom bending the branch? Where is the plant reaching upward defying gravity and where is it bowing and tilting towards the earth?
   
5. Negative Space: Notice the strange organic shapes that are created between the leaves, branches, and stems - unique puzzle piece of sky or wall or whatever fills the background. Some shapes may be surprisingly angular and geometric while others will be curved and meandering.
   
6. Shapes: Observe the shapes that the plant itself makes. Maybe the leaves are extended ovals or hearts, or long uneven triangles. Maybe the branches are making T's or Y's. Many shapes will seem unnameable but that will only make seeing them more of an adventure.

After this journey of sight, your imagination will have a pile of visual gifts to play with. Try free associating with some elements that you really loved seeing. Maybe the powdery quality or the pollen at the center of the bloom reminds you of snow made out of sunlight. Or perhaps, the way the branches reach upward inspires a feeling of flight and freedom.  Let this part be light-hearted and playful. Look! Is that a flower a fairy helicopter? Is that a winking man in the bark of tree? Are those petals twirling like dervish?

The first part of this practice, the  seeing, is the meditation. The second part is the arena of imagination and self-expression. Have fun with this and notice how activating your deep sight may change how you see everything else as well.

Reset Sunday Check-in: Focus and Finish

I have been playing with the practice I outlined in this week's Reset Sunday, Focus and Finish and I wanted share some of my observations and experiences so far:

1. There is a part of me that is a cross between a very eager little kid and an impatient adult that wants to just jump right in and start working. It takes a concerted effort to take a few minutes to center, breathe, and focus before I start. Yet, when I do take that time, I feel more calm and open for the duration of the project.
2. The same part of me that wants to start right away, also wants to jump forward to the next task just when I am getting close to finishing. It is as if a part of me is literally always 2 steps ahead of the actual me. It's all about enjoying the excitement and energy of that part of me while reining her in to stay with what is right before me, not ahead of me. 
3. It is fun to laugh at that the absurdity of this part of me that always wants to race on to the next thing. I love "her" and yet, will not get blindly taken on her wild madcap ride. "She" can't trick me. Well, at least, most of time. ;)
4. I love to feel my toes,  stretch and breathe deeply in my bed when I wake up. It turns resistance into pleasure.

New Years Resolutions: Come out of Hiding

I'm in the center. Even strange birds can have amazing friends. :)

I have never been an active new year resolution maker. However, I love to feel the collective wave of new beginnings and excitement around starting something we have been meaning to start for a long time. I don't exactly love how crowded my yoga classes become in January but there is a sense of momentum and self-confidence that is infectious and inspiring.

This New Years Eve, I was at an amazing outdoor party with some of my dearest old friends who moved away years ago. I was caught up in the moment of playful celebration, dancing, and reconnecting. Resolutions and, in fact, all thoughts about future were beyond the distant horizon of my present experience.

At some point, when we were gathered in a circle, someone asked about every one's resolutions. Hmmm, well, I thought, there are so many things I would like to do... finish the children's book I am writing and illustrating, or get stronger physically, or maybe develop my etsy store more or participate in a art/craft fair or......

However, beneath all those tangible activities and goals, there was a feeling of a stronger, more all encompassing desire that was calling me –  a desire to be more open to people, friends, family, co-workers, strangers. I want to see people as they truly are and respond to them from that place of common humanity without as much attention being given to what separates us. I want to be willing to wade through some awkward first conversations, be with that discomfort, and give the connection more time to begin to flow. I want to reach out to people and bridge the gap.

Since I was a child, I struggled with feelings of alienation. Over the last decade, I have been slowly and gently exploring and gradually dismantling my beliefs that make me feel like I don't fit in this world. Part of that process has really been understanding how so many of us feel isolated or feel like we have to hide from each other for fear of judgement. It is unbelievable how afraid of each other we can be.

So, my new year's resolution is to come out of hiding. I won't compartmentalize my life as much, hiding certain aspects of my lifestyle from certain people because maybe, this act of honesty will help someone see that they have a greater range for self-expression and that they can be more free than they thought.  I will not always do this perfectly. Sometimes, I will lack social grace and sometimes I might confuse someone with my open-ness but the chance to make true contact with another human being is worth the risk. Come out of hiding with me. Make friends, smile more, let our eyes meet.

What's your resolution?  How do you practice being more open to people?

Reset Sunday: Focus and Finish

So picture waking up slowly, your mind blissfully half asleep, when the dreaded wave comes crashing through the calm. This wave is a chatter of obligations, tasks, chores, places to be, people to meet, so many things to do. Ahhh, suddenly waking up seems a lot less appealing. Maybe just one more cuddle in the soft cocoon but there is just not enough time with so much to do. 

When I follow this tide through out the day, I find that I am engulfed in a constant busy-ness. My body tightens up; my breath edges toward non-existent. I have entered, what I like to call, Multi-tasking Madness. I am in a state of perpetual mental and sometimes physical motion. At the end of the day, my nerves are buzzing at a strange and uncomfortable frequency and I can't quite pinpoint what I even spent my time doing most of day. I know I did a million things but how did all those minutes and hours slip away? I feel like I expended a crazy amount of energy but what did I get in return? And was it worth it?

Recently, I have been playing with a practice I dubbed Focus and Finish to provide some respite from the Multi-taking Madness.  I have broken down this practice into steps for you to experiment with over the next week. Try them all together or maybe just pick one. I invite you to write about your experience and revelations in the comments as well. We can all learn from each other.

1. Instead of Waking and Thinking or Doing, Try Waking and Breathing.
   Just take a few deep conscious breaths in the morning. Feel the breath moving through your entire body from your belly to your toes, from your heart to your finger tips, from the bottom of the spine to the crown of your head. Let the breath expand into a big stretch and maybe a nice satisfying yawn. Then, get up.
   
2. Before You Start Working, Focus
   First, clear the slate by simply bringing your attention on the breath. It doesn't have to be a long serious mediation. It can just be 3-5 focused inhales and exhales. This is literally just a short practice session in focus. Ask yourself, "What is the single most important thing I would like to accomplish today?" Don't judge the answer. Just take note of it and bring it to mind throughout the day to see how it is aligning with your actions.
   
3. Notice the Distractions
   Ok, now we laid a relaxed and focused foundation. So let's get to the tricky part. As you are engaged in your "single most important thing," notice when other tasks or distractions are trying to pull you away. It is amazing how frequently this happens! Someone might ask for your help on another project or you might suddenly remember an email you need to send, or wait wasn't I supposed to research hotels for my parent's visit, or don't I need to call so-and-so back or is this other task actually more important...... and yes, this can go on forever. If you follow the endless prompts of these distractions, you are right back in Multi-tasking Madness.
   
4. Return to Your "Single Most Important Thing"
   So how do we deal with all these underminers of focus. First, keep some paper nearby where you can jot down any thing that pops up that you are afraid you will forget if you don't do now. That way it safely written down and you can free the mental energy and time to return to your "single most important thing." Second, if it is a family member, friend, or boss that is asking you to switch gears, take the time to assess the situation. Is what they are asking for truly urgent or can it happen later? Is it more important than your "single most important thing"? If the answer is honestly and completely yes, then it is good to be flexible, responsive and helpful. However if the answer is no, explain that it is important for you to remain focused and that you may be able to help them when you are finished. Sometimes, just repeating the mantra, "finish and focus" in your mind can be enough to get you back where you want to be.
   
5. Feed your Focus
   You want to keep turning away from the distractions and towards your "single most important thing," but if this is a task that requires hours of work, then it is essential to take breaks. And a break is not doing another task. Checking emails doesn't count as a break. That is simply a detour towards Multi-tasking Madness. A break could be a walk, or a little stretching, or some focused breathing, drinking some water, or mindfully eating a snack. If you can't tell if it is a good break activity, ask yourself, "Does this feed my focus or distract from it?"
   
6. Finish
   This part is unbelievably satisfying. You saw your "single most important thing" through to the end. This doesn't mean you finished that novel you have been meaning to write but maybe you finished the first draft of the first chapter and that is something. If you still have time and energy to do something more, go back to step 2 and find the next "single most important thing". Notice how you feel at the end of the day when you have practiced focusing and finishing. I find that even if I am tired, it is good, relaxed tired and often times, I am actually peacefully energized. 

Have fun with this practice. It is not about doing it perfectly, it is about seeing what happens, becoming more aware and noticing the changes that follow. 

Welcome friends!

connemara, ireland: taken from my hiking trip this past fall. a perfect symbol for a new beginning

During my morning meditation yesterday, I had a wave of inspiration to begin this blog and create an online space for the inner space of healing, transformation, exploration, dreams, and intuition. Territories that may be transversed include yoga, meditation, flower essences, practical spiritual habits, travel, relevant book or movie reviews, intuitive guidance, health/nutrition, personal discoveries and challenges, dream exploration, and artistic expression. I also hope to share some amazing articles, podcasts, and other resources that I have discovered along the way as well as create my own audio and/or video meditations and yoga classes. This is just a brainstorm that may expand and contract as time goes on and as this space comes into being more fully. I am going to start with a weekly feature called, Reset Sunday, which will include a tip or challenge for the week to inspire us all to honor our bodies, minds, and spirits a little more. I encourage feedback, questions, and dialogue from you along the way.
I have also just begun to do intuitive healing sessions, if you are interested in learning more about them or about me, click here.